Subject: New Element Discovered: Administratium
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than one-second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of three years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons, and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
You will know it when you see it.